Ugly duckling.

There was a time,

before I found motherly love on a stage,

when family interactions were a death sentence I had to 

leave myself at the door for.

Friendships were burials. Every attempt

at any form of relationship 

was another way to sink. 

My ancestors have a history of not knowing 

how to swim. I 

prefer drowning in my own sorrow.

I’ve given my own eulogy, 

carried my own coffin, 

sunk shovel into soil so much so,

morning became parallel with mourning. 

I ask you heed this warning – I 

have a tendency to piss off the people who please me 

just to take the pressure off. 

Posture like the working-class, 

muscle memory remembers

becoming the joke at the dinning-table I resented eating from.

Laughter crowned me guilt,

joy brought a mob and love…love

bleed me sacrificial.

When 

rarely behaving royally ruins the family name

how heavy is 

the head that bows in shame?

When I leave the throne abruptly, display not concern. 

I’ve sailed to sea, 

see leaving as a right of passage. Doubted that if I 

wrote this passage, I’d find a passage. 

I’ve learnt

that not everything can be translated. 

You will be left tongue in cheek 

when spoken out of who you are. 

Maybe it’s the price of being British. The 

mispronunciation of my native tongue.

Before the cold was home

Before winter was a reminder that everything is dead but me 

Before I learnt to shed anew

I was a village kid, 

from a country with, a thousand hills 

vibrant with life. Both before and after 

the blood.

I knew not of the narrative 

before they settled there. 

When they settled there

neighbouring tribes lost their ear for harmony. 

Amongst the scribed absence of festivities

wishful thinking will wield weapons against even the militant. 

Envy found my inner child. She grew green

amidst a field of thorns and weeds. 

Could only speak with a vernacular absent of peace. Freedom

it seems, does not equate to safety. So to play it safe 

we keep self safely stashed away. 

Guess what happens when you try crack the combination. 

I’ll crack a combination. I’m either trying to save you from myself 

Or keep protected.

I often feel crowded when alone 

alone when in a crowd. 

I want to apologise for being missing in your presence.

Severing all ties 

Thinking they will anchor me

I want to be wanted but 

will 

reject your acceptance. 

Do you know how many minutes I’ve spent 

Being busy second guessing all the affection i’m getting. 

I know pain so well 

I must conclude 

Something afoot when it makes a nonappearance. 

I feel like nothing but an imposter here

I know not this land or its customs, 

No matter how hard I try to 

mind my manners

I still spend my free time asking for forgiveness

I know i come from community 

but unlearning is a tedious chore.

Back bending, bone breaking, bruise bulletin. 

Self sabotage is still a knee jerk reaction. 

I know now

to not run from home. 

I hope now

to make proud my lineage.